it sucks that I don't have the ability to simply be friends with guys. I always want something more. And it's not even lust. I just want to be loved by them. I guess this desire to be loved by guys comes from me not ever feeling loved by any male individuals when I was younger. I don't know for sure but I don't like the way I am. I just want some guy friends and feel like a normal male teenager for once.

I usually try and be mature about my insecurities and affirm myself that I am capable of ignoring this inferiority I get. but these feelings have been coming back rather frequently. Maybe I'm just tired.

How depressing is it that a stranger is more willing to provide you financial assistance than your mother?

"I want porridge"

"go buy it yourself"

"But I'm sick"

"oh but I showered and washed my hair already."

Good going mum you sure do care about me as much as how you claim to when you tell your friends about taking care of me when I'm sick.

" I woke up early this morning to do housework and rushed out to get some chores done then came home to concoct Chinese medicine for my son oh I'm so busy"

Yea right you mopped the floor which was already sparkling clean and you went out to activate a membership card that is beneficial to only you and you left your younger son home with me and I had to provide breakfast and lunch for him.

you're such a suck up. you make up stories to present yourself as a loving single mum to your friends when really, you're a childish whiny brat going through a mid life crisis. As much as I love you, you're not as much of a parent as you make yourself out to be.

mum and brother got into a car accident. Thankfully they're both alright. The car's wrecked though. and my brother's slightly traumatized.

I was so worried when I heard about the accident I actually cried. like heart wrenching kind of crying. I guess I really do love both of them, as much as they annoy me at times.

Mum refuses to give me money for food and transport but is willing to spend on air tickets for both herself and my younger brother. Do you hate me, mother?

Pol-ite's over. I managed to get medals in all three events I competed in. Gold silver and bronze hah.

but because I've been training so much for taekwondo Im actually way behind schedule for schoolwork.

And I don't think I have friends anymore. Or at least, every time an acquaintance tries to talk to me I just say really strange things and scare them off. Talk about social awkwardness.

I wish I was born with privilege. A smarter mother who doesn't get cheated by every man she sleeps with. A father at least? So my mother wouldn't be so lonely and temperamental.

I wish my family was
rich. I despise incapable men. I say use them and leave them. Kinda ironic I guess. I just wish everything was different.

I feel like I've developed a disdain for macdonalds. Been eating it at least twice a week for 6 months now. Time to eat healthier!
.....

I really really enjoy being around my taekwondo friends. The best guys and girls there is.
.....

schools alright. I'm starting to get used to it again. Thankfully, I'm on good terms with most of my classmates so school life shouldn't be harsh for now. Also, I'm working with really hardworking people. I'm already feeling so motivated by them.
.....

I'm gonna have to get a part time job while I study though. I barely have enough to feed myself now.

Other than that, everything's going well. I guess.

I don't think I know how to love anymore. Just being dramatic here but hey, everyone feels empty every now and then.
.....

I really don't wanna be a loner anymore. I wanna keep these friends, my family, and my lover close to me.

I haven't slept in my own house for so long I've forgotten how it feels like sleeping alone.

I like waking up next to someone. I like falling asleep next to someone.

I don't feel like I'm loving anyone yet. Maybe love has to be cultivated.

the previous post was immature. oh well.
.....

POLITE and grading are both approaching. hope i do well... i gotta be more optimistic. or should i be nonchalant. things always turn out well when i care less.
.....

school is starting soon. i don't wanna have to socialize with ppl from my course. i really don't.
.....

stalker, pls die so i don't have to deal with you anymore. just fucking drop dead and die. i won't care. i will not be affected at all. not in the least bit. please just die. jump off a building and fucking die.

instead of giving my number out to random strangers, here's an idea for fun. kill yourself. literally kill yourself. like, don't even end up in a coma. just die. cardiac arrest, bam. die.

instead of pretending to be me, why not die? it's a lot more fun i swear. kill yourself, i mean it. 

nah you probably wouldn't do it because you have no guts and you just hide behind that computer screen of yours giving out my number.

i can't believe i'm this affected again. i must be so tired. alright goodnight stalker. and rmb, die ;)

welp, i guess i have a boyfriend now. not really sure of the situation but this it i suppose. 

i'm not as happy as i thought i'd be. but i shouldn't expect to feel exactly how i did in my first r/s huh.

oh well, goodnight.

i might actually fall in love again ha.

i guess it doesnt really matter if you mean it but just hearing you say that you'll be here for me whenever i'm upset makes it so much better.

it seems juvenile, i know, but you really gotta be in those moments to understand how it feels.

idk man. maybe i'm just excited about finding love again.

heck, i dun even know if i could call it love. well, whether or not this results in a desirable relationship or an utter wreck, i'm looking forward to it.

"lost all my friends like money, lost all my men to the sky"
.....

i've realized that i spend most of my time smoking and listening to depressing music.

and sleeping around hoho.

no worries, i'm cautious enough not to catch anything. if you get what i mean.
.....

school's starting soon. can't wait actually. i need to bury myself in work.

speaking of work, i'm still waiting for H to get back to me about the bellboy job. sounds fun. i believe i'm physically strong enough to carry luggages. i hope i am. it'll be embarrassing if i can't.
.....

i've been listening to kimbra a lot. she's underrated.
.....

i need to start going to the gym to work on my legs. they're too weak. 

so apparently K is in the ICU right now. 

i guess i have a tendency to date suicidal people huh.

if my ex, K, does wind up killing himself, i don't think it will have much effect on my life. 

everybody's going to die someday. might as well be today. 

if i die today, i don't think i'll mind that much. of course i'll have much to regret. then again, we'll always have mistakes we wish we could correct. in that sense, it doesnt matter if you feel like you haven't lived properly because we'll all end up the same.

if you do kill yourself, you're a brat then. it's not as if you don't have a choice. you can still change how you're going to be remembered after you're gone. but idk. if you wanna kill yourself, go ahead. it's your life. do whatever you want with it.

you have to know how to let go. you have to know how to give people the space they need. you cant just go to ppl's houses and refuse to leave. you cant call someone every single day and then go to their houses and knock on their doors when they don't pick up. you cant threaten to kill yourself when the other party says no. but i've had enough of the harassing and you trying to have sex with me at every opportunity you get. that's it. you wanna kill yourself? go ahead.

i enjoy spending time with my taekwondo mates much much more than with my fms schoolmates. perhaps its because the tkd people arent as superficial. 

i'm not very sure actually. 

i just feel that much more accepted when i'm with them. fms students all have a particular agenda with whatever they do. 

maybe i'm just being cynical.

 still, i'm thankful for the 2 remaining friends i have from fms who've stuck with me from the beginning of semester 1. bless them.

mother doesnt know how to discipline her younger son (orton), so i've got to do the parenting. and i hate how she keeps being the child here.

 i believe she's going through a midlife crisis. she has this desire to go clubbing frequently, she spends a shitload amount of money on skin care products to make herself look younger, and every night, after she gets home from work, she complains about how tough her life is. not only that, she changes jobs every few months.

she doesn't guide orton with his homework and she gives him money when she's out and expects him to go out and buy food for himself. and her excuse is? she's teaching her son independence. 

for god's sake woman, this son you speak of is 8. and you've been doing this since he's 6. he does not have the maturity or sense to take care of himself. that's why i have to settle his meals and his schoolwork. 

this is ridiculous. you can be as irresponsible as you want, even as an adult, if you don't have any responsibilities. but you're a parent now. you need to act like one.

People tell me that i'm always busy and i don't bother making time for friends. some of my closer friends complain that my schedule doesnt allow for us to hang out but i actually don't have plans most of the time and i'm frequently available. maybe they just don't like me and are making excuses for not asking me out. oh well.

i think my tastes have changed. im no longer into older guys. well, i still am. but i used to be attracted to  men around their 30s. now i'm more inclined to sleeping with guys in their early 20s. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with dating older men though. age is but a number. maybe this is just a phase. who knows.

Mum always zones out when i talk to her. so she just ignores me most of the time. i tend to zone out when ppl talk to me too. i guess it runs in the family.
.....

it's not that i'm apathetic to everything. i do get affected by certain issues. i just don't know how to react to them so i pass it off as something i don't care about. well, most of the time i really just don't care. but sometimes, i do. and it's odd hearing people say that i have, and i quote, no emotions. of course they don't mean it literally, but you get the drift.
.....

exams are OVERRRR. i dont think i'll do well at all for Communication Issues but hey, at least it's over. here's hoping i'll get decent grades this semester anyway.
.....

i got my ears pierced. two ear lobe piercings and one helix on the left. i like them.
.....

i should probably get a part time job this semester break. 

To a certain Mr. Tan (if that even is your actual surname),

it disgusts me how you literally pretend to be someone else just to talk to me. i don't know what your intentions are anymore but it's getting intrusive and i will not take this lightly.

secondly, i don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of me not talking to you anymore. we have our own lives. go back to your own you obsessive boy. you have your whole life ahead of you. don't fucking waste it.

this is the first and last time i am giving you any attention. i will not address this issue anymore.

my insecurities.

i have so little self esteem that whenever anyone show me the slightest bit of interest, i jump into a relationship. im so afraid that if i dun grab this fella, there wouldnt be anyone else wanting me. and of course, i end up hurting the other party because i never EVER really get that interested at all.

and of course, i long for company.

i need to be more independent. i think im starting to get the hang of it.
.....

it's time to get healthier, fitter. i miss the jawline i had for like, a month because i was really working out hard at that time. 

i have gotten lazier, naturally. but no more sloth! easier said than done, but done it shall be. muahhaha. 

i'm a little drunk as i type this. goodnight.

i hate sleeping alone.

why do i even drink anymore. i dont even like vodka now.

just gonna finish this last bottle of vodka. it's been in my fridge for about a month. i cant let it go to waste, so here goes.
......

oh and i really enjoyed watching the London olympics taekwondo matches. very intense. some of them, at least.
......

exams are coming and this semester is ENDING. goodbye to fucking francais, radio, and comiss and MBM i fucking have a fucking profound disdain towards these modules.

why do i even bother posting depressing stuff anymore. it's gonna be a chore for me to read through my blog when i get older. 


but... i only have depressing things to say..
.....


i've never felt more alone. the entire day. i just felt like nobody wanted to talk to me. V didnt seem to want to engage in any conversations with me anymore. i seldom talk to P now. M seems nice still, though, bless her soul.


Trng was alright. the ppl were alright. but that's probably because they dont know me that well yet. they dont know me well enough to acknowledge how much of a bore i am. im guessing some of them alr do. J was nice enough to acknowledge that and yet still bother to interact with me, bless his soul. 


i have the tendency to think that ppl willing to talk to me probably just wanna fuck me. nobody really cares what you have to say. nobody cares what you think. people have needs. and those needs need to be fulfilled. 


oh what am i babbling about. i need to get work done.

stagnant. everything's stagnant. i'm making no progress in anything at all. what's happening. 


everything's at a standstill. i can only wish for this to end. 


what else can i do? take action? i could try. i can always try. 


but to what end? i'm just going to die anyway. wind up in a coffin. or scattered into the wind. 


people say it's what you have to show for when you die. that's what counts. 


but does it really matter? who do you show it to? the children? are they not going to die anyway? is the planet not going to die anyway? 


everything that is existing will cease to exist. death is inevitable. 


and that was my attempt at being morbid because i'm trying to distract myself from school work. god i need motivation. 

"you think i'm just too serious. i think you're full of shit."

i miss your touch. i miss your kisses.

i've had such a shitty week so far. seeing you only served to make my shitty week even shittier.

it's been a month now. well, i'm not actually sure how long it has been, but i don't think i've gotten over you. 

What tears me apart is you no longer looking at me the way you used to. nonchalance really does hit the hardest. i can only hope to never see you again. makes my chest ache.
.....

grading is coming soon. i'd better do well.
.....

"i wouldn't say be 'apathetic about everything', but to understand that there is a nice side to everyone."

i try to be nonchalant about the happenings around me. i try not to care. not even about the people wanting to hurt me. i try not to give a shit, but it's tiring. sometimes i just wanna beat some people's faces in.

you treat me just like another stranger


well, it's nice to meet you sir


i guess i'll go


i'd best be on my way out


oh paramore. oh life. 
.....


well i've been hanging out with D a lot. we click really well. age is but a number. ermmm. he owns a cafe so i get free vodka and stuff. which is a bonus. JUST a bonus. as in, him giving me free stuff is NOT the foundation of our friendship. i'll cherish this. he's probably starting to doubt my sanity though. good lord i can be so awkward around ppl sometimes. what's wrong with me?
.....


my younger brother will probably turn out to be a raging homosexual. well, whatever makes him happy.
......


i've been so lazy. compromising on school work and my workout routine just for the sake of lazing around. i do take my tkd trngs seriously though. talk about setting priorities lol. 


anyway, i do hope to get higher belts as time go by so i can teach it in the future. moonlighting, you know. writing will probably be done in my free time too. god knows what my stable job will be when i grow up. only time will tell.

Happy Father's Day.


so apparently mum saw my biological father when she was out the other day. according to her, he wasnt much to look at anymore. he looked old, tired, and worn out. apparently, they both stopped and had a little chat. (ikr, if i was mum i'd be like, hey where's my alimony?!). Financially, he's not doing well either. he cooks vermicelli and sells them at his mother's coffee shop somewhere. so mum thinks we're doing a lot better than him. she even pities him. i quote, "he would be doing so much better now if he hadn't left us,"


so mum told sis about her encounter with Dad and they both agreed that im the pitiful one. sis feels that at least she knows how our father looks like, is like. me, on the other hand, i havent got a clue.


i wonder what i would have done if i was there; if i had met him. i kinda wanna meet my paternal grandmother too-- the one that works at a coffee shop.


well i felt the need to blog this since its Father's Day. so happy father's day dad.

this is disturbing and infuriating. someone's pretending to be me on the internet, using my pictures on social networking sites. a friend of mine told me that this particular identity thief is asking cute guys around for orgies using my pic wtf.


this is deplorable. i will not rest till i find out who this thief is >:(

i seek solace. i seek comfort.


my friends can never provide me that.


i've always found it easier to open up to people i'm not close to. i'd only ever been close to 2 people.


i don't even talk to them anymore. i probably went too far sexually with one of them and scared'em off.


the other one... she probably yearns for the darrick she knew in secondary school. i miss him too. i kinda miss this girl too. i remember when i used to have a crush on her but i didn't have the balls to confess to her. then we realized the feelings were mutual about a year later after they were gone. (did i already blog about this? idk)


i wonder how it would be like if i had dated her. would i still be the same cynical, hypocritical, self-centred, pompous asshole?


i miss being less hypocritical.


but i'm stronger now. or at least i hope i am. i don't fall in love anymore. i nearly did. i was that close to falling in love again. i really thought we would be happy together. we didn't know each for other for long (couple months, maybe?) but you were what i've been searching for. maybe not physically or aesthetically, but those are only superficial. i really liked who you were. everything you did, you did with utmost sincerity. you told me you were childish, i don't disagree. but that's part of your appeal.


i'm attracted to childish people... i'm pretty childish myself. i just don't show it as much. i wish you had seen that childish side of me. maybe you wouldn't have left.


hey i probably sound bloody childish right now. whining about my love life when there're bigger issues to resolve in the world. i always wondered how it would be like to live in someone else's shoes. to be someone else for a day. i wonder how i would fare as a gigolo or a taxi driver. who knows i might be pretty good at both ;)


this is emotionally draining. i reminisce way too often.

About 10 mins ago was the very first time i actually felt angst towards a family simply because the kids had a dad. 


I went for a run with E an hour ago. On the way back, after E left, I walked past this fitness corner thingy where they had pull up bars and stuff. So i decided to go do some pull ups and stretching. 


After my first set of pull-ups, (i did like, 10? i suck. i once knew this guy who could do like, 25 pull-ups at one go. wtf right.)


anyway, this family of 3 came along. There was a man around the age of 40? maybe in his late 40s. then there were two younger boys i assumed were his sons. both were around 15 i guess. 


so daddy got one of his son to "do 8 pull-ups", then they were all laughing (idk why. maybe 8 is a new challenge or something). 


and i thought, what a sweet family... until the other boy turned and looked at me while he was still laughing; his face brimming with happiness. an immediate disdain overwhelmed me. 


"Daddy brought you guys here to do pull-ups," i thought, "i had to bring myself here. i was always by myself."


"these kids have no motherfucking idea how lucky they are"


i feel ashamed. i haven't had a father figure in my life for 18 years. i should be immune to seeing other happy families by now. i thought i was. perhaps i've been so upset these past few days my emotions snowball-ed into this inexplicable surge of angst i never thought i'd be capable of.


i've never needed a father figure. and i don't need one now.

So I finally got a haircut. And dyed my hair too.


But the process isn't complete. so i gotta head back to the salon next week to continue the bleaching/dying. sucks to have sensitive scalp.


so this is the most redundant post i've ever made. 


but hey, you get a photo of me.


the holidays are coming.


Oh and i have a test tomorrow. radio production. wish me luck. i'll probably need it. it's live, so it's gonna be significantly more terrifying.


Well, goodnight. gotta be up and ready for school in 4 hours.

i just can't deal with drama anymore. i just can't. i wish i wasn't just trying to be melodramatic here but i say this with utmost sincerity. im not usually this candor, but you people have gone too far. 


i'm fucking tired. i have assignments to do, presentations to prepare, i have to work to support myself, and my feet hurts like hell from training. i've had enough.


i've made it clear from the start i have no intentions of getting into a r/s any time soon.


i wasn't kidding.


i don't need my ex-boyfriend telling me how much he wants to get back tgt; i don't need my neighbour constantly updating every social network he's on about how his love for me isn't reciprocated; and i sure as hell don't need a call from an acquaintance every other day asking to have sex. 


if i say:


"i have work to do. i'm not ignoring you, i'm just busy"


i fucking mean that i'm busy and i don't mean to fucking ignore you.


so stop it. 


just, PLEASE, stop it. 


i have poured every ounce of love i had into my last r/s. it didn't turn out too well, and i became the bitter person i am now. so i'm tired, alright?


My chest pains are back, they hurt as hell, and all i want is a fucking glass of wine and a fucking cigarette. 


i'm sorry, but i'm just so tired.

since J's not in town, i'll just be drinking by my lonely self tonight. cheers to vodka! and dikta. 


i've never heard about dikta till i got my blackberry last year. their song 'Thank You' was already pre-installed in my phone's media folder when i purchased said phone but i never really bothered giving that song a listen. until a few days ago, that is. and.......... I LOVED IT. so now i have their album Get It Together on repeat. so my current musical muses are: Rachael Yamagata & Dikta.


if either of them come to singapore, i demand tickets to their show. hurhur.


btw the the vodka was sort-of-sponsored by E. so thanks E. the perks of working in a hostel eh :D


moving on~
.....


When cash is tight, what do you do?


suck dicks? or get a proper job?


if only that damnable bursary would just snuggle into my bank account tonight.


i can't even afford books now. much less training gear for taekwondo. no, i can barely feed myself with what i have in my savings. if the bursary amount doesn't come in by next week, i'm gonna have to get a part-time job :(
.....


i have yet to secure an interviewee for my Feature Article assignment. godammit why don't people reply emails on weekends
.....


it's been so warm these days. oh what i would do to move to another country. just to get away from all this fuckery. fuckery as in what i have made for myself during my 18 years of existence. i wanna start over. i want a fresh outlook on life. 
.....


godammit i didn't put enough ice in my drink. gonna get more now.
will probably delete this post since i don't really have any idea what i'm talking about. feeling a little woozy now. i'm such a loser teetotaler hurhur.

i've got interviews to set up, scripts to draft, and movie reviews to write.

yet here i am blogging and downloading music.

i need less distractions and more vodka.

hurhur.

who actually says "hurhur" anyway?

.....

i've been going for taekwondo every week. it's pretty awesome. no regrets... so far. hurhur.

.....

and i'm just typing down whatever pops up in my mind spontaneously. this is a terrible blog post. such poor quality. even though this blog is just an outlet for me to vent my frustrations and log specific events that happen in my life, i should at least make the posts of quality.

and can i just say how much i dislike the new blogger layout? just looking at these re-arranged buttons is too much to handle for this flimsy lump of meat i call a brain. so much for streamlining.

.....

"it's not where you're from, it's where you're at."

well it'll be a whole lot easier if you'd gotten a head-start.

btw this is a line from the very inspirational song Ali and the Jungle. check out the Nike commercial that featured this song. it's cool as shit.

.....

that's all for now. i've been so busy that time just flies by. if there was one thing i could wish for, i'd wish for more time. and more money, of course. hurhur.

adios~

to K.L.

you've changed for the better and you miss spending time with me?

well i've gotten worse. and i don't want to hear from you ever again.

p.s. today was bad enough and you just had to drag it further down the fucking shithole. thanks a lot.

.....

angst aside, (roar) i've been listening to rachael yamagata's Happenstance and Elephants... Teeth Sinking into Heart.

and im so bumped when i found out rachael actually came to singapore to perform in February. where the hell was i when i could have been sobbing along to brooding and bluesy heartbreaking songs at the Esplanade Concert Hall with my arms around equally grievous and distraught strangers.

nevermind that. anyway, i just adoreeeeee Teeth Sinking into Heart. But sadly there are only 5 songs on this half of the album. Not that i dislike the first half of the album though.

if rachael yamagata performs in singapore again, i won't miss it for sure >:)

.....

can i write about rachael yamagata again? no? oh nevermind then. moving on.

.....

i can't wait to start writing articles for my Feature Writing module. i need to get inspired. time for an outing with the classmates? oh right. i have to actually get closer to them first. good luck with that, socially awkward me.

27/4/2012

my brother will grow up to be sooo much better looking than me. with his thick lips, wavy hair, and double eyelids urgh

telling me im such a gem. how im so different from everyone else. yea that's probably why i dun have many friends.

.....

9/5/2012

things have changed. i'm different now. and quite negatively at that.

i almost fell in love again. too bad things didn't turn out the way i hoped it would. Z was an ugly fella. but he was nice. he was considerate, and i felt like i could be happy with him, despite his apparent childishness. maybe i took too long to reciprocate any possible feelings he could have had for me. or maybe he never did like me. maybe being nice is just in his nature.

regardless, it's over now. we're strangers from now on. i won't turn back. i hope i wouldn't. i'm already as pathetic as i can possibly get. i'm just glad i didn't fall in too deep this time. i'd learnt my lesson 3 years ago.

.....

R.I.P grandma. we might not be biologically related, and to be honest we really weren't that close, but i can't say i wasn't affected by your passing. i hope you're in a better place now.

"you look stunning in black hair"

why am i falling for simplistic compliments like this. i'm such a stereotypical schoolgirl urgh.

.....

attempting to paint my old backpack was not a fruitful endeavor.

.....

it's not fair how you can get to be bratty and smug and overly arrogant yet still so good looking. it's not fair.

.....

"track and field is an individual sport"

i love running. the individualism of this sport is a bonus. i need my alone time. and what better way to spend it than running? (no, dun even think about masturbating. because that doesnt help you achieve anything.)

.....

maybe i should start hanging out more often with my classmates. though not exactly popular, (define popular anyway) they're the kind of ppl i'd like to surround myself with to help me better my academics. feels like high school.

.....

success is the best revenge. live this.

first day of school! wish me luck.

i'm officially a Year 2 student now. mixed feelings. actually, no. i don't feel any particular way towards this. let's hope something interesting happen today.

.....

as much as i'd like to deny it, romantic gestures really hit my spot. try harder, you're almost there ;)

11/4/2012

today was pleasant enough.

and now i want a lover who rides a vespa.

.....

the chest pains are back.

.....

15/4/2012

Mum: *complains about having no money*

the following week...

Mum: "Eh, i bought an ipad"

good for you, mother. good for you.

.....

i'm getting a little tired of this persona. tired of this mask i put on all the fucking time. it's just a goddamn facade.

edit: i've finished watching "elfen lied". what am i going to do with my life now ha! it's an anime btw. it's somber, dark, and has a mature tone with plenty of gore.

i try to stay out of family matters cuz you know, im still a kid. i stepped out of line once and tried to solve some issues within the family and got put in my place (sort of).

well i learnt my lesson and figured i'm not yet of an appropriate age to tell my family members how to make their decisions and from then on, i've been sort of like an onlooker to all the shit happening in the family. and i enjoy just looking at stupid things people do. it's funny. but who knows, in the future i might make those silly mistakes too. we're all humans anyway. we succumb to materialism way too easily.

.....

my room stinks, according to my brother. hmmm.

.....

1. Sis is pregnant, AGAIN. god knows what she's gonna do with this second baby. probably gonna keep this one too. i mean, you're 20, girl!! your husband is 20 too! he hasnt even entered the army yet! their side of the family's not well off enough to take care of all you. YOUR side of the family isnt well off enough to take care of all of you either. but, whatever decision she makes, i'll support it. even though my support doesnt really matter. hahaha. in any case, i'm pro-choice.

2. Mum casually mentioned that she had a tubal ligation. when? i don't know. probably some time after my younger brother was born (about 10 years ago). take a hint, sister. nah i'm just kidding. you do what you want.

.....

yay J is coming over with vodka tml! :D

(this dude. hmmm. i like him. hahaha)

.....

school's starting in a week. can't wait to bury myself in work. out of my 7 modules, i'm really looking forward to:

1. Feature Writing

2. Public Relations

3. Conversational French

Can't wait!! :D

maybe i should give E a chance. we have so much in common. and he's such a gentleman. i actually feel loved by him haha.

oh i wish i wasn't so picky sometimes.

1. school is starting soon (yay)

2. i got into french class (yay)

3. i've been throwing tantrums more often than i'd like (urgh)

4. i'll continue waiting, K.D

5. mum's getting a promotion at work (yay)

6. moving into a condo apartment at punggol in 3 years (yay?)

7. i really really really dislike some of my new classmates. but i'll be nice.

8. i can't wait for sushi date with E next wednesday (yay)

9. "it's my thing, i stand still and sing sad songs like this" HAHA

10. my hair isn't growing fast enough. i want a ponytail.

11. Strictly Pancakes with P and V was nice. saw a sec school senior/polymate working there. damn he's hot. *drools*

12. some vodka right now would be appreciated

13. i kinda dislike smoking now. it makes me feel too unhealthy (but then again, that's what drives me to workout)

that is all.

cheesy.

i love my mother. i really do. if i was still that rebellious brat a few years back, i'd be all like 'urgh. i fucking hate my mum. i wish she dies alone and gets raped by necrophiliac creeps.'

i genuinely think i've grown past that rebellious phase even though i'm really just only 18. there's more for me to discover. more for me to learn. but fillial piety is one lesson i'd never forget. one virtue i'd never let go of.

okay cheesiness aside (hehe), i think my whole family knows about my sexual orientation. and they all seem to be fine with it! even the grandparents! cuz, you know, stereotypical chinese grandparents are supposed to be conservative and all. but not my ahma ahgong. nuh uh. liberalism is embraced by the Chew family! hahaha.

NOTE: before today, i've never officially came out to my family members. like "mum, im bi/gay" kind. NEVER. but i do know my mum knows, cuz i dun bother acting straight when i had my boyfriends come over for dinner and stuff.

so i was in the car with my mum and we were just casually chatting abt my sis. and that kind of led to the Mother talking abt how she's always been supportive of whatever my sister and I do. which led to her saying she knows about our "social lives because of the people [we] bring home". and THAT led her to casually talk about her accepting me for my sexual orientation.

and im just sitting in the passenger seat thinking, "oh wow. i love u mum. i knew u knew, but i didnt know you'd be so supportive"

but i didn't say all that la. darn me and my ego for refusing to get cheesy with my mother haha!

so in all, im SO grateful i have such a supportive mother. plus, she's an independent woman and is really funny! I hope she gets a boyfriend soon hah! <3

-------

assembling a fan has proven to be an efficient family bonding activity.

spent about half an hour with my mother and brother racking our brains trying to assemble this new fan we got from ikea. it's up and running now by the way :p

-----

"now you're just somebody that i used to know"

and i'm so much better off.

having trouble teaching my younger bro math and english. every question seems ridiculously easy for me now but having to explain how the answers are gotten is a daunting task haha. how the hell do you teach division in math?! i wish he paid more attention in class so i don't have to do his teacher's job. urgh.

ive never been good with the technical terms in English. past simple past participle infinitive whatever~ i know a proper sentence when i see one. but bringing them apart and defining the function (?) of each word in the sentence is impossible for me lol.

it gets infuriating after a couple times of me explaining a question and him still not getting it. patience is a virtue i desperately need.

the story's over now. the end.

i want to be educated, articulate and independent

so i've been running every two days for almost a month now. well i've always done that until school work started taking over my life urgh. but now i have the time to run again! and i guess all the running paid off because i'm currently at 51kg which puts me in the borderline underweight range :o

....

i wanna try bungee jumping because i think free falling (sort of) would be a "euphorically morbid experience".

.....

so i was talking to E about collecting stuff. he's such an interesting fella i swear. he collects pitcher plants, venus flytraps and whatnot. all the quirkiness awards go to him.

the idea of watering your pitcher plants every morning till they grow stronger and start eating flies is rather provoking though. i want that. i shld probably start collecting something too. just to make myself more interesting lol

.....

watched Act of Valor in the theatres today. i appreciate the message the film carries but the script was cliche and the acting was unconvincing. what i saw in the theatre was a long winded, self-righteous, awkwardly performed piece of work. the only redeeming factor was the camerawork and the action scenes. but even the trailer for The Hunger Games which came up before said film got me more pumped up.

.....

and i just realised this post has nothing to do with it's title lolol. maybe i'll whine about independence some other time. ciao~

i love the sound of rain smashing against my window.

.....

E and i were discussing our favourite music genres and singers.

1. metallica isnt half bad

2. diana krall is the queen of jazz

3. michael buble is -swoon-

4. james brown is the godfather of soul

5. eva cassidy :(

6. sarah mclachlan touches the depth of your soul (ha!)

7. jack johnson should marry me and serenade me every night.

8. Red Hot Chili Peppers foreverrrr~

and i found out that t.a.t.u sang one of my favourite childhood songs hoho.

so in short, E and i have almost the same taste in music. he doesn't like Florence, boohoo.

E: "someone who listens to jazz is someone with character. befriend these people and you'll never go wrong. that's what i heard."

Me: "i can be quite a cunt at times though"

.....

so this morning my aunt insisted i have breakfast with her even after i told her i hadn't gotten any sleep yet. but breakfast was interesting enough. apparently, the Mother (my mum, duh) is leaving for shanghai in june for a 1 week vacation with her friends, but she's gonna leave my younger bro, whose like 8, in singapore.

now, this would be totally fine if his dad was still living with us. but since my mum chased him out, and my bro doesnt wanna spend the week with his dad at the latter's place, nobody's gonna be taking care of my bro.

and i would if i could. well actually i could but hey, i have a life too okay. hahaha. and i'll most probably be really busy with school work during that period of time. so in short, i'll make a terrible guardian.

so grandma and aunt were discussing this situation and that led to them criticizing the Mother's parenting skills, which led to them telling my bro what a brat he is. so i was basically just sitting there watching the conversation take place in third person while refraining from making any snark comments about the Mother and them.

throughout that "discussion", i was wondering why grandma and aunt couldn't just volunteer to take my bro into their care for that week.

-shrugs-

.....

playing Jack Johnson on repeat. i need to go to a tropical island with my sweetheart and just frolic around the beach.

it's been a while.

.....

if exercising can provide an escape from my own thoughts, i'd work out everyday.

.....

somberness aside, i've been craving for cigarettes more frequently than food. sounds insignificant, i know, but it's always been the other way round. screw it, i dun even feel like eating anything these days. gonna save up as much money as i can and idk, go for plastic surgery or something, ha! i've been getting these acne outbreaks that really piss the fuck out of me. puberty better be done soon.

.....

it's a warm night. i've been sleeping at 7am and waking up at 7pm. kinda like a routine now. can't wait to start working so i can get my life back in order. waking up that late means i always hafta go running in the middle of the night. paranoia~

.....

as much i hate to admit it, i thought a lot about you last night. dun get your hopes up though. i'm just... starting to appreciate sunsets.

K.L

i told myself not to get too deep into this. i thought i had it under control. i guess i was falling head over heels. and for what? some guy who barely gives two fucks about me? its probably best that i take things slow. slower than ever. come on darrick, single life.. you can do this shit. lots of people are single. you just have to take your time, and find a guy truly suitable for you. or girl.whatever.

still listening to 'million dollar man' by lana del rey. god i love that song.

i'd really rather smoke than drink. but i don't have any cigarettes on me so... beer it is!

its chinese new year. just another couple of mundane days.

.....

Mum and i are more of friends than mother and son now. i guess that's good. she's still a bitch sometimes though. but who isn't.

.....

i feel really empty these days. i'm still getting used to being single. haha.

.....

i'm not even in the mood to do work anymore. kinda pushing everything to everyone else. no worries, i'll be getting back on track soon enough. the dog days will be over soon.

.....

i hope you've moved on.

it's been a while

i have so many things to say. but i'm not in the mood at all to put my thoughts into words.

maybe some time later.

tml's the first day of open house for my school. worked a lil bit on the script just now. hope i have enough information to lead a freaking tour around my freaking school. oh well, for the cca points and the money, i'd do anything. not really looking forward to seeing people from my secondary school though. i dislike almost all of them. bah but who cares. just suck it up and lead your freaking tours, darrick.

.....

oh and guess what, i got molested today. and i got a scolding from K because i didnt tell him about it immediately after said incident and also because i didn't beat the guy up. im such a joke. cant even defend myself. just sat there, dazed.

.....

im starting to dislike people from my school.

was trying to be nice and waved to this girl from my course. she just turned away. and lemme tell u, she aint shy. just stuck up and unfriendly. bah fuck her. i have enough friends anyway. just cant get over how some people can behave so obnoxiously. oh and her malay friend too. fuck u dude. i was being so friendly to him the first day we met. but i guess he has his own rights to be oblivious to people's existence huh. judgmental assholes. i hope u guys rot.

so work harder darrick, so you can look down at these people next time and spit in their faces. i kid. but seriously, fuck ya'll.

.....

wanted to do a post on my mum's mid life crisis but i guess i'll save it for next time.

.....

i'd love to down that bottle of beer sitting in my fridge since god knows when. but no, shall remain sober so i can function tml.

.....

this study term has begun!

today's consultation for my debate went well. turns out i had a lot of valid points for my argument *clap clap*

but that's just for one module. gotta work harder.

.....

some things are really best left unsaid

HAPPY NEW YEAR

it's 2012! ... but i'm still only 17 :(

i CANNOT wait for the 26th of June to come because that is the day i turn semi-legal!!! ^^

come on, you're not 100% legal till you're 21. so listen to your parents, kids. haha who am i kidding. who actually does that anymore. independence ftw!

.....

I've been eating salad a helluva lot lately. if you have yet to discover the god-sent delicacy that is grilled chicken salad then you must have been living in a god damn cave.

note to self: K's mum makes the best grilled chicken salad. well not really. It's good but only second to MacDonald's :p

.....

speaking of food, i've been eating alot and barely working out. i'm gaining so much weight i should just slice off my cheeks and stuff myself silly. but no. sloth shall overcome me. i'll just wait for the next semester to arrive and i'll join a sports cca :p

.....

to be honest i could care less for new years. let alone celebrating them.

.....

just for emphasis,

I CANNOT,

I REPEAT,

CANNOT, WAIT TO BE 18.

i don't wanna play charades, but that's the only way i can survive