i seek solace. i seek comfort.


my friends can never provide me that.


i've always found it easier to open up to people i'm not close to. i'd only ever been close to 2 people.


i don't even talk to them anymore. i probably went too far sexually with one of them and scared'em off.


the other one... she probably yearns for the darrick she knew in secondary school. i miss him too. i kinda miss this girl too. i remember when i used to have a crush on her but i didn't have the balls to confess to her. then we realized the feelings were mutual about a year later after they were gone. (did i already blog about this? idk)


i wonder how it would be like if i had dated her. would i still be the same cynical, hypocritical, self-centred, pompous asshole?


i miss being less hypocritical.


but i'm stronger now. or at least i hope i am. i don't fall in love anymore. i nearly did. i was that close to falling in love again. i really thought we would be happy together. we didn't know each for other for long (couple months, maybe?) but you were what i've been searching for. maybe not physically or aesthetically, but those are only superficial. i really liked who you were. everything you did, you did with utmost sincerity. you told me you were childish, i don't disagree. but that's part of your appeal.


i'm attracted to childish people... i'm pretty childish myself. i just don't show it as much. i wish you had seen that childish side of me. maybe you wouldn't have left.


hey i probably sound bloody childish right now. whining about my love life when there're bigger issues to resolve in the world. i always wondered how it would be like to live in someone else's shoes. to be someone else for a day. i wonder how i would fare as a gigolo or a taxi driver. who knows i might be pretty good at both ;)


this is emotionally draining. i reminisce way too often.