About 10 mins ago was the very first time i actually felt angst towards a family simply because the kids had a dad. 


I went for a run with E an hour ago. On the way back, after E left, I walked past this fitness corner thingy where they had pull up bars and stuff. So i decided to go do some pull ups and stretching. 


After my first set of pull-ups, (i did like, 10? i suck. i once knew this guy who could do like, 25 pull-ups at one go. wtf right.)


anyway, this family of 3 came along. There was a man around the age of 40? maybe in his late 40s. then there were two younger boys i assumed were his sons. both were around 15 i guess. 


so daddy got one of his son to "do 8 pull-ups", then they were all laughing (idk why. maybe 8 is a new challenge or something). 


and i thought, what a sweet family... until the other boy turned and looked at me while he was still laughing; his face brimming with happiness. an immediate disdain overwhelmed me. 


"Daddy brought you guys here to do pull-ups," i thought, "i had to bring myself here. i was always by myself."


"these kids have no motherfucking idea how lucky they are"


i feel ashamed. i haven't had a father figure in my life for 18 years. i should be immune to seeing other happy families by now. i thought i was. perhaps i've been so upset these past few days my emotions snowball-ed into this inexplicable surge of angst i never thought i'd be capable of.


i've never needed a father figure. and i don't need one now.