you treat me just like another stranger


well, it's nice to meet you sir


i guess i'll go


i'd best be on my way out


oh paramore. oh life. 
.....


well i've been hanging out with D a lot. we click really well. age is but a number. ermmm. he owns a cafe so i get free vodka and stuff. which is a bonus. JUST a bonus. as in, him giving me free stuff is NOT the foundation of our friendship. i'll cherish this. he's probably starting to doubt my sanity though. good lord i can be so awkward around ppl sometimes. what's wrong with me?
.....


my younger brother will probably turn out to be a raging homosexual. well, whatever makes him happy.
......


i've been so lazy. compromising on school work and my workout routine just for the sake of lazing around. i do take my tkd trngs seriously though. talk about setting priorities lol. 


anyway, i do hope to get higher belts as time go by so i can teach it in the future. moonlighting, you know. writing will probably be done in my free time too. god knows what my stable job will be when i grow up. only time will tell.

Happy Father's Day.


so apparently mum saw my biological father when she was out the other day. according to her, he wasnt much to look at anymore. he looked old, tired, and worn out. apparently, they both stopped and had a little chat. (ikr, if i was mum i'd be like, hey where's my alimony?!). Financially, he's not doing well either. he cooks vermicelli and sells them at his mother's coffee shop somewhere. so mum thinks we're doing a lot better than him. she even pities him. i quote, "he would be doing so much better now if he hadn't left us,"


so mum told sis about her encounter with Dad and they both agreed that im the pitiful one. sis feels that at least she knows how our father looks like, is like. me, on the other hand, i havent got a clue.


i wonder what i would have done if i was there; if i had met him. i kinda wanna meet my paternal grandmother too-- the one that works at a coffee shop.


well i felt the need to blog this since its Father's Day. so happy father's day dad.

this is disturbing and infuriating. someone's pretending to be me on the internet, using my pictures on social networking sites. a friend of mine told me that this particular identity thief is asking cute guys around for orgies using my pic wtf.


this is deplorable. i will not rest till i find out who this thief is >:(

i seek solace. i seek comfort.


my friends can never provide me that.


i've always found it easier to open up to people i'm not close to. i'd only ever been close to 2 people.


i don't even talk to them anymore. i probably went too far sexually with one of them and scared'em off.


the other one... she probably yearns for the darrick she knew in secondary school. i miss him too. i kinda miss this girl too. i remember when i used to have a crush on her but i didn't have the balls to confess to her. then we realized the feelings were mutual about a year later after they were gone. (did i already blog about this? idk)


i wonder how it would be like if i had dated her. would i still be the same cynical, hypocritical, self-centred, pompous asshole?


i miss being less hypocritical.


but i'm stronger now. or at least i hope i am. i don't fall in love anymore. i nearly did. i was that close to falling in love again. i really thought we would be happy together. we didn't know each for other for long (couple months, maybe?) but you were what i've been searching for. maybe not physically or aesthetically, but those are only superficial. i really liked who you were. everything you did, you did with utmost sincerity. you told me you were childish, i don't disagree. but that's part of your appeal.


i'm attracted to childish people... i'm pretty childish myself. i just don't show it as much. i wish you had seen that childish side of me. maybe you wouldn't have left.


hey i probably sound bloody childish right now. whining about my love life when there're bigger issues to resolve in the world. i always wondered how it would be like to live in someone else's shoes. to be someone else for a day. i wonder how i would fare as a gigolo or a taxi driver. who knows i might be pretty good at both ;)


this is emotionally draining. i reminisce way too often.

About 10 mins ago was the very first time i actually felt angst towards a family simply because the kids had a dad. 


I went for a run with E an hour ago. On the way back, after E left, I walked past this fitness corner thingy where they had pull up bars and stuff. So i decided to go do some pull ups and stretching. 


After my first set of pull-ups, (i did like, 10? i suck. i once knew this guy who could do like, 25 pull-ups at one go. wtf right.)


anyway, this family of 3 came along. There was a man around the age of 40? maybe in his late 40s. then there were two younger boys i assumed were his sons. both were around 15 i guess. 


so daddy got one of his son to "do 8 pull-ups", then they were all laughing (idk why. maybe 8 is a new challenge or something). 


and i thought, what a sweet family... until the other boy turned and looked at me while he was still laughing; his face brimming with happiness. an immediate disdain overwhelmed me. 


"Daddy brought you guys here to do pull-ups," i thought, "i had to bring myself here. i was always by myself."


"these kids have no motherfucking idea how lucky they are"


i feel ashamed. i haven't had a father figure in my life for 18 years. i should be immune to seeing other happy families by now. i thought i was. perhaps i've been so upset these past few days my emotions snowball-ed into this inexplicable surge of angst i never thought i'd be capable of.


i've never needed a father figure. and i don't need one now.