Mr. Cigarette is my only friend. well, at least he's the only one who can make me feel better when i'm down. those days when i go chain smoking could practically give me orgasms. swear to god.

money is a very big issue in my life.

from what i can recall, my family used to be wealthy. my mum was a model before she gave birth to my older sister, and i remember seeing her bankbook once. she had over a million bucks in her savings. alas, her brain certainly was no match for her body. she used every penny she had to pay for my stepdad's debts. tat asshole. i hope he dies. no, i hope i'll be filthy rich one day, and he'll be begging me to take him in. then i'll laugh and throw a wad of notes in his face and tell him to crawl away. wahah.

tat'll probably happen 20 years from now.

at least there's a silver lining. i have enough money in my savings to support myself. for now. i need a new job. i wanna study during the day and work at night.

i wish you'll come back sooner

i dont get why some people like to call their lovers 'booboo'.

wtf does booboo even mean?

Hello, World

Sometimes, things just don't go my way. i think i'm way too paranoid. i fear something might come between us.

i worry just how long till u tire of my presence. i fear the worst. its been a month since u left for holland. to tell the truth, i dont really know if i love you. i've been saying i do since forever, but deep down inside, i fear i've just been using u. you're not exactly my type, yet u've been everything else i ever wanted. whenever u talk about ur plans to get married, have children and whatnot, it pains me, cuz i know i can never give u tat. the other day u called me ur 'lifepartner', i was shocked. i certainly wasnt expecting tat. not from you.

or rather, i was disturbed by how uncomfortable i felt when u said that.

i think ur love for me is genuine. but im afraid it wont be reciprocated. sure, i can play pretend like i always do. but ur juz not right. i think. i'm so confused right now. i dun wanna hurt ur feelings. but i care too much about mine.

though one thing's for sure. u are the reason why i felt genuine happiness throughout our time tgt. i know u still have feelings for tat gal. she was 'the best [you] ever had' after all. as much as i would like to experience jealousy, i cant bring myself to. i dun deserve to.

sure, i'd cry if you leave me. but if it's for the best, i say why not. i dun wanna hold u back. i'm promiscuous, i admit. and i've been hiding things from you. but there's no need to mention tat here.

just a rant, i dun like ur sister.

i try not to picture us 10 yrs ltr like how u always do. im too cowardly. i dun have the courage to face wat might happen to us. ur mum, ur dad, ur sis, ur bro. i wonder how they'll react if u tell them wats going on between us. i dun wan to be the problem. i dun wan to come between u and ur family.

i think tats all i hafta say for now. i cant think. jesus. i think im going nuts.